Festive Cranberry Lime Juice Cocktail

Happy Fourth of July Everyone!!

I hope everyone is having a lovely red, white, and blue day!! I went golfing yesterday, and after being thoroughly exhausted and parched I decided to make this nifty little non-alcoholic cocktail! (I'm a college student! Why would I EVER drink anything with alcohol in it....)

But first things first.

Open the cake plate that is holding the cake you made a few days ago and soak in the delicious smells of accomplishment. Apparently, accomplishment smells like butter and heaven! Who knew? (Side note: I did!)

Then have an impromptu photo shoot with your Golden Retriever named Peanut Butter because he's a cutie pie and he demands to have your love.

Yeah! Peanut Butter! Look over your shoulder! Gorgeous! Make love to the camera, cutie!

Swish that tail! SWISH THAT TAIL!!! 

 Back up! Back up! I didn't actually want to you to make love to the camera, dog!!

Whew! Now that you've done that (Trust me, that is a very integral step because without it you wouldn't get a chance to contemplate the many attributes that make you different from animals, like the ability to use a camera, and the ability to actually take direction, PEANUT BUTTER I'M TALKING TO YOU, LOOSE CANON MODEL!) Sorry my analytical college mind got my on a tangent (This happens a lot) What you are going to need to make this is: (From left to right) A tall glass, lime juice, Club Soda, Cranberry Juice, and (not pictured) Ice. 

Step One: Make sure your glass is nice and clean! Nobody wants to drink out of a dirty class and because you're a college student you probably did an atrociously bad job cleaning this glass, and you don't want anyone to know that you're a mess at taking care of yourself so.... just make sure it's clean, okay? 

Damn, look at that clean glass! You can use that! 

 Now find someway to force some ice into that glass. You definitely don't need once these fancy pants refrigerator ice maker contraptions, but if you do use it because it's awesome! Or you could just buy and ice tray and pop some ice out of that

Look at that half-full glass! (Or half-empty if you want to look at it that way, but if you think about it the "empty" half is actually full of air so it's not really an empty glass at all! Pretty much all glasses are full! A more accurate description would be take a glass that is full of air, and add in ice until about half of that air has been displaced out of the glass. Oh my goodness! Yes, do what I just said! It sounds way cooler than just "Fill a glass up to half way with ice.")

Now fill that glass with Club Soda..

Until it's about half way full

Then look at the side of the bottle and contemplate the nutrition facts of Club Soda because you are a healthy conscious of what you are eating college student! You are in your health prime and you are going to stay that way, which happens by deciding that you will not consume anything with an ingredient name that you don't understand. 

Carbonated Water: got it! The stuff that makes it fizzy! Sodium Bicarbonate: Ummm I think I used that in AP Chemistry two years ago, but I don't know what it does.... ummm. Sodium Chloride: Salt! I understand that! Why is there salt in my water..... isn't that bad for you or something... I don't know! I'm not a chemistry major! Potassium Sulfate: Okay... I have no idea.... You know what, maybe I don't need to know what every ingredient is! It's not that big a deal! Why worry about things I'll never understand! Anyway...

Now that your glass is unearthed with the surprisingly baffling Club Soda, add in a couple of droplets of lime juice stuff! (Of course, it is better to buy real limes and use that because than you can throw the lime into your glass and it looks all pretty and stuff, but I'm a poor college student and I already had this so.... HA!) 

 Think about how unimpressive this looks, but don't worry because...

The 100% Cranberry Juice with no sugar added and a brand new look is on the way to save the boring day!!!!

Attempt to get the ingredient to focus, but realize that they're too small, and also remember that you decided that whole understanding the ingredients thing was a lot of phewy anyway, and just...

Pour it in until the glass is full, and...

 You have a lovely melding of cultures represented in a Cranberry Lime Club Soda Concoction!

Then realized that an apt metaphor could be gender inequality because there is more red liquid (which represents women) showing how their are more women in college, but the white ice cubes (representing men) rise to the top because of the effect of the glass escalator which funnels men into better jobs at the top of the heap because people expect men to be more qualified for higher level management positions. Damn, that was an intense glass of cranberry juice! 

But the most important part of this drink is the bendy straw! No other straw will do! I am a firm believer that life is more fun with bendy straws so go get some because without it, life won't be quite as bright! 

Taste your drink and make sure that it's all right! Add a little more lime juice if you want! (Because you're a crazy lime juice college person!)

 Then contemplate that there are no ingredients or even brand name on this lime thing! Where did it come from? Who made it? What is in it? I guess we'll never know! Isn't that creepy. This would be a great topic for a conspiracy theory essay about food! Don't forget that for your possible English major thesis!

Then sit down and enjoy the USA Men's volleyball team dominate Bulgaria!! This is a direct quote of me watching this match, "BOOM... oh yeah... excellent pass... excellent... and BAM... What?! They changed the rule on touching the net?! That is Bullshit!!!" And then remember that you used to chastise people who talk to their screen when watching sport, and then realize that you completely understand this now and should never make fun of those people again because let thee who has not sinned cast the first stone. What's that from? The bible! BOOMMMM... college student smarts!!!  

Then have Peanut Butter get up in your face and try and make love to the camera again because he loves you! And then put down the camera, love your dog, drink your cocktail, and complain about Volleyball rule changes. You know what all normal college students do!

Hope everyone enjoyed this installment! I tried to make this one a little shorter and next time I think I'm going to teach you how to make an actual meal! Woo!! (Don't hold me to this promise)

Happy Birthday United States!

And bye lovely people!