Festive Cranberry Lime Juice Cocktail

Happy Fourth of July Everyone!!

I hope everyone is having a lovely red, white, and blue day!! I went golfing yesterday, and after being thoroughly exhausted and parched I decided to make this nifty little non-alcoholic cocktail! (I'm a college student! Why would I EVER drink anything with alcohol in it....)

But first things first.

Open the cake plate that is holding the cake you made a few days ago and soak in the delicious smells of accomplishment. Apparently, accomplishment smells like butter and heaven! Who knew? (Side note: I did!)

Then have an impromptu photo shoot with your Golden Retriever named Peanut Butter because he's a cutie pie and he demands to have your love.

Yeah! Peanut Butter! Look over your shoulder! Gorgeous! Make love to the camera, cutie!

Swish that tail! SWISH THAT TAIL!!! 

 Back up! Back up! I didn't actually want to you to make love to the camera, dog!!

Whew! Now that you've done that (Trust me, that is a very integral step because without it you wouldn't get a chance to contemplate the many attributes that make you different from animals, like the ability to use a camera, and the ability to actually take direction, PEANUT BUTTER I'M TALKING TO YOU, LOOSE CANON MODEL!) Sorry my analytical college mind got my on a tangent (This happens a lot) What you are going to need to make this is: (From left to right) A tall glass, lime juice, Club Soda, Cranberry Juice, and (not pictured) Ice. 

Step One: Make sure your glass is nice and clean! Nobody wants to drink out of a dirty class and because you're a college student you probably did an atrociously bad job cleaning this glass, and you don't want anyone to know that you're a mess at taking care of yourself so.... just make sure it's clean, okay? 

Damn, look at that clean glass! You can use that! 

 Now find someway to force some ice into that glass. You definitely don't need once these fancy pants refrigerator ice maker contraptions, but if you do use it because it's awesome! Or you could just buy and ice tray and pop some ice out of that

Look at that half-full glass! (Or half-empty if you want to look at it that way, but if you think about it the "empty" half is actually full of air so it's not really an empty glass at all! Pretty much all glasses are full! A more accurate description would be take a glass that is full of air, and add in ice until about half of that air has been displaced out of the glass. Oh my goodness! Yes, do what I just said! It sounds way cooler than just "Fill a glass up to half way with ice.")

Now fill that glass with Club Soda..

Until it's about half way full

Then look at the side of the bottle and contemplate the nutrition facts of Club Soda because you are a healthy conscious of what you are eating college student! You are in your health prime and you are going to stay that way, which happens by deciding that you will not consume anything with an ingredient name that you don't understand. 

Carbonated Water: got it! The stuff that makes it fizzy! Sodium Bicarbonate: Ummm I think I used that in AP Chemistry two years ago, but I don't know what it does.... ummm. Sodium Chloride: Salt! I understand that! Why is there salt in my water..... isn't that bad for you or something... I don't know! I'm not a chemistry major! Potassium Sulfate: Okay... I have no idea.... You know what, maybe I don't need to know what every ingredient is! It's not that big a deal! Why worry about things I'll never understand! Anyway...

Now that your glass is unearthed with the surprisingly baffling Club Soda, add in a couple of droplets of lime juice stuff! (Of course, it is better to buy real limes and use that because than you can throw the lime into your glass and it looks all pretty and stuff, but I'm a poor college student and I already had this so.... HA!) 

 Think about how unimpressive this looks, but don't worry because...

The 100% Cranberry Juice with no sugar added and a brand new look is on the way to save the boring day!!!!

Attempt to get the ingredient to focus, but realize that they're too small, and also remember that you decided that whole understanding the ingredients thing was a lot of phewy anyway, and just...

Pour it in until the glass is full, and...

 You have a lovely melding of cultures represented in a Cranberry Lime Club Soda Concoction!

Then realized that an apt metaphor could be gender inequality because there is more red liquid (which represents women) showing how their are more women in college, but the white ice cubes (representing men) rise to the top because of the effect of the glass escalator which funnels men into better jobs at the top of the heap because people expect men to be more qualified for higher level management positions. Damn, that was an intense glass of cranberry juice! 

But the most important part of this drink is the bendy straw! No other straw will do! I am a firm believer that life is more fun with bendy straws so go get some because without it, life won't be quite as bright! 

Taste your drink and make sure that it's all right! Add a little more lime juice if you want! (Because you're a crazy lime juice college person!)

 Then contemplate that there are no ingredients or even brand name on this lime thing! Where did it come from? Who made it? What is in it? I guess we'll never know! Isn't that creepy. This would be a great topic for a conspiracy theory essay about food! Don't forget that for your possible English major thesis!

Then sit down and enjoy the USA Men's volleyball team dominate Bulgaria!! This is a direct quote of me watching this match, "BOOM... oh yeah... excellent pass... excellent... and BAM... What?! They changed the rule on touching the net?! That is Bullshit!!!" And then remember that you used to chastise people who talk to their screen when watching sport, and then realize that you completely understand this now and should never make fun of those people again because let thee who has not sinned cast the first stone. What's that from? The bible! BOOMMMM... college student smarts!!!  

Then have Peanut Butter get up in your face and try and make love to the camera again because he loves you! And then put down the camera, love your dog, drink your cocktail, and complain about Volleyball rule changes. You know what all normal college students do!

Hope everyone enjoyed this installment! I tried to make this one a little shorter and next time I think I'm going to teach you how to make an actual meal! Woo!! (Don't hold me to this promise)

Happy Birthday United States!

And bye lovely people! 

How to Make Sour Cream Yellow Cake with Buttercream Frosting and a Chocolate Chip Granish

Hello Everyone!!!!!

Today, I decided that because I didn't have a summer job I would find some other way to keep my time occupied! Therefore, I am going to teach everyone how to cook on the internet. (By cook, I mean cook like me which doesn't necessarily mean that it's great, but my family and friends like it so just stick with me)

I will take you through the process with my personal insights and some photography all performed by me!

Step One:

Decide that you are going to make a cake with this cake mix you found in the cupboard!!!

Step Two:

Realize that you made an embarrassingly large mess in the kitchen after you made breakfast and decide to clean it up!

Much Better!!

Step Three:

Find your cake mix doctor book and look for the recipe that you have ingredients for.... I mean, the most delicious recipe (Obviously..... nervous breathing)

And you find the one you can ma..... I mean the most delicious one:

MMMMMMMMMMMM..... looks yummy!!

Here is what you will need:

(From left to right) Vegetable Oil, Vanilla Extract, Flour, Sugar, Canola Oil Spray, Sour Cream, Bowl, Electric Mixer, Eggs, Yellow Cake Mix, Table and Teaspoons, One Cup Measurer (that's not what it's called, but you know what I mean!) A Bundt Pan.... and apparently an iPhone because I didn't take it out of the shot!

Side note: You know how people have spirit animals, I feel like mind is Anne Bryn. I mean look at her! She has delicious cake and it's really easy to make. That's all I would ever want from a spirit animal! Rowr!

Step Four:

Turn on the Newsies soundtrack because, apparently, you can only work while Jeremy Jordan is singing about newspaper labour issues in the 1890s.

Step Five:

Place a wire rack in the middle of your not-at-all-dirty oven :)

And set the oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit!

Step Six:

Take your Canola Oil....

Remove the lid....

And spray it everywhere until....

Everything everywhere looks a lot more shiny than it did before. (I'm contemplating becoming an English major because I'm SOOOO eloquent!)

 Then take a scoop of flour and put it in the Bundt pan. I couldn't take a picture of the next part because I needed both hands but you're going to shake the flour around until it is everywhere!

Once you dump out the little bit of extra flour you had in there it should look something like this! If it doesn't look exactly like this don't worry about it because as the title of your blog says you're a college student! When something goes wrong you just tell your self this just proves that Entropy exits and that life is futile and philosophy and blah blah blah blah COLLEGE STUDENT!

Step Seven:

 Take your cake mix....

Remove the bag and open it....

Realize that you probably should have used scissors, and that the picture you just took looks a lot like a certain white powdery drug.... I PROMISE IT'S CAKE MIX. Then realize that a bakery would be a great front for drug trafficking... consider calling the FBI, but then realize that you have to finish your cake so you'll just do that some other day

Then use your hand to put the cake mix that missed the bowl in the bowl because you're sustainable and don't believe in waste!

Step Eight:

 Measure one cup of sour cream and.....

Then use the spoon that you used to liberate the sour cream into your measuring device to liberate the sour cream once again into your bowl....

Now you have only dirtied a spoon and a measuring cup...... SUSTAINABILITY LIKE A BOSS

Step Nine:

Wash out the sour cream measuring cup and use it to measure a 1/3 a cup of vegetable oil because coughcough*sustainability*coughcough....

And pour that in.

Step Ten:

 Then measure a 1/4 a cup of water using that same measuring device again! (We're basically Al Gore by now)

And add that in, too.

Step Eleven:

Add 1/4 cup of plain old sugar (Clarification: You don't need to age the sugar. I just meant the kind of sugar that isn't powdered sugar or brown sugar is the kind you should use. I know. Eloquence is me!)

Step Twelve:

Then crack four eggs into this concoction that we have created! And if shells get in there try and pull them out, but if you want you can leave them so that someone can get one, and when they mention that they have a shell you can tell them that you left it in to demonstrate that life isn't fair because you're a college student and you want to let everyone know that you think you know everything! (Because as I have been told many times "You're a sarcastic smarty pants because you're a college student")

Step Thirteen:

And finally, add the cutest and best smelling ingredient.... One teaspoon of vanilla extract.

Step Fourteen:

Now take one of these handheld adorable electric mixers. (I suppose you could do this without one of these just using a spoon, but it will probably take a lot of arm strength you don't have because you don't get physical activity anymore because you stopped playing sports because you're a college student, and because even though you want to do activity you're still lazy)

Use the lowest setting and mix it for about a minute (Just look at the clock and once it changes to the next minute it's probably been a minuteish)

 And once the minutes up and it looks like this....

Use the spoon you used to liberate the sour cream as a spatula to scrap the side (WE'RE SAVING THE WORLD)

Then put your mixer on the medium speed and do this for about 2 minutes. (Remember what I said about the one minute. Just do that for two)

And once it looks like this (a nice thick beautiful smelling well combined cake batter) it's time to pour.

Step Fifteen:

Take your bowl over to the floured and greased bundt pan and...

Pour it in there evenly! Now use that liberation spoon from early to scrap the bottom of the bowl (Do I even need to say the sustainability thing anymore) and...

Smooth it out until it looks like this. It's like a nice yellow sea of cake batter that I want to stick a tiny chocolate boat in and eat the ocean underneath me until I can't stand the awesomeness anymore. (Possible English major... I know! It's an excellent choice for me!)

Step Sixteen:

Now take that unbaked sea of cake batter in a bundt pan and put it in your preheated oven! 

And set the time for 50 minutes, and feel as though your work is done when you turn around and see this...

I would just tell you to clean up, but I think it's important that everyone understand the level of cleaning they're getting involved in when they begin this project so first take the beaters...

They're so cake battery! Oh my goodness, would it be awesome if there was someway to use a cake as a battery! And then we could say, "Can you run up to the store tomorrow, and buy some more cake batteries? We're out!" That would be awesome... back on topic

Lick as much cake batter off of this thing as you want!

Then put away the sour cream and eggs...

Then all of the dry ingredients and the oil...

and throw all of your used stuff into the bowl and....

Fill it up with water and then just let it sit there and stew until you put it in the dishwasher (Easy right?)

Step Seventeen:

Now it is time for you to figure out what to do while you're waiting for the cake to bake.

You could:

Read a book

 Debate whether or not making Buttercream would be simply a good idea or an amazingly awesome idea!

Listen to calming music on Pandora

Or go outside into nature! (Even though I firmly believe that if outside was so great humans never would have spent hundreds of years trying to perfect inside, I do believe that fresh air is important so I try to go outside and play at least once a day! It's good for the soul! I guess.)

And pull out the thing you will need once the cake has finished baking!

You may also:

Accidentally spill a glass of milk everywhere...

And then clean it up.....

While watching John Green Videos

Start making a grilled cheeses with cheddar, turkey, and cream cheese...

Then forget about it...

Then somehow find a way to get butter all over your arm....

Then yell at your butter dish for doing that because obviously even you (college student) are not such a spaz! 

Then attempt to to remove all the burnt pieces...

Then just decide to eat it anyway...

Then be totally shocked by the amazing gooey goodness of this burnt grilled cheese situation you accidentally created, and have a great idea for a grilled cheese restaurant where you could have your grilled cheese ordered yellow (lightly toasted), golden brown (just plain toasted), or black (the thing you just created would qualify as black). This will be my fall back plan if my current plan to be a book publisher in New York falls through (I'm a college student... I have a lot of career dreams)

Then notice that you burnt an impression of the bread into the plate and think about how beautiful and symbolic this moment is! This bread has left a lasting impression on this pan! It's like a love story! The bread and the pan wanted to be together so much that they melded and once their love went on for longer than it should have, it burned not only the bread, but the pan. Collateral damage! Emotional Resonance! Thank you, college education for giving me all of those lovely insights into a burnt pan.

Then attempt to make the butter you just pulled out of the freezer closer to room temperature by giving it a two handed hug because you have obviously decided to make Buttercream

Step Eighteen:

Now that you have done either all or any combination of those things, it is time to remove the cake from the oven. Around the 45 minutes mark you're going to want to check on your cake by pulling the grate out and pushing down on the cake a tisny winsy bit! If it bonces back, it's done. If not, keep baking! (And reflect of the metaphorical resonance of the fact that your cake did not push back when you pushed it and wonder if that is a good hypothesis for the fact that Newton's Third law, for each action there is an equal and opposite reaction, is a complete lie and decide to remember that for your science class in the fall!)

Back on topic your cake should look like this!!

And let your cake cool for 20 minutes.

Then see all of your unwashed dishes that you have created, and remember how you were bragging earlier about your sustainability tendencies, and due to shame, wash all of the dishes immediately!

But you can't wash your emotionally resonant pan because you burnt it so much that it just won't clean. Begin to consider the possible importance and meaning of this moment, but get distracted by your timer going off.

Step Nineteen:

Take the same knife you used to make your grilled cheese catastrocreation (I would tout my sustainability, but no matter how hard I try I know I never will be as sustainable as Al Gore so I will stop.)

Make sure you run it around the outside too. 

Now, comes the really impressively cool part! Put the same (sustaina... sadness) cooling rack that you used to cool for 20 minutes on top...

Get your nice big red mitteny hand on top and...

FLIP IT OVER (I know.... CRAZY!)

And voila, you have a panless yummy bundt cake! 

Now set the timer for 30 minutes so you'll know when the cake is "completely" cool. (It's in quotes because you're a college student and you now about postmodern literary theory. So you know that all terms are arbitrary and who are we say what this term actually means. Does it even exist? Do we exist? This is a very existential timer, right?)

Step Twenty:

Find some form of cake plate (you're a college student, so you're obviously going to steal it from your parents)

And put the the cooled cake on it.

Step Twenty-One:

Now it's Buttercream time! You will need: a bowl, the electric mixer (again), milk, vanilla extract, powdered sugar, butter, table and teaspoon measure, and 1 cup and 1/4 cup measuring devices.

First, split a stick of butter together, and throw it into your bowl

Now, take your nifty difty electric mixer and put it on the lowest setting. Mix the butter with itself until it's light and fluffy, about 30 seconds. (You can count it by going: One Mississippi, Two Mississippi, Three Mississippi.... Until you reach 30, you know like the professionals)

Step Twenty-Two:

 Then add One cup and..

1/2 cups of powered sugar

and 1/4 a cup of powdered sugar and 1/8 a cup of powdered sugar (I know it seems really odd, but trust me! (Recap: Add 1 cup + 1/2 cup + 1/4 cup +1/8 cup of powdered sugar, Ya got it?)

Add 1 and 1/2 teaspoons of milk...

And 1 teaspoon of my favorite liquid, vanilla extract.

Step Twenty-Three:

Okie Dokie, now mix with the electric mixer on low together all of that stuff I mentioned two seconds ago that I have forgotten now for one minute, until it looks like this picture above. 

Then put it on medium and mix it until it looks like the picture above (It will probably happen in two minutes, but no promises!)

And now take that stuff....

And smoosh it on your cake! Now you're going to take all of you icing and your spatula and just swoosh it around like you know what you're doing until it look like something that you are not completely embarrassed to present to the public! 

 Okay, I'm going to be honest. I'm a little embarrassed to present this to the public. It's so plain....

But first lick the spatula a lot because it's Butercream! All of the two reasons to eat it are in the title! But then remember the boring-ness of your cake and have an idea.

Now that's an exciting chocolate chipped cake!!! Okay it still looks a little embarrassing, but no one is going to be embarrassed once they take a bite of this buttery deliciousness that you threw together over a nice, long, boring, afternoon.

Step Twenty-Four:

 

Put the topper on because your cake has been through a lot and deserves some privacy to think about the fact that you labored over creating it, and in a few hours you are going to devour it like a monster! It's really very metaphorical for.... I can't think of anything now. I'm all colleged out for one day. 

Look at this powdered sugar! Remember that if I ever start trafficking drugs to use a bakery as a front, and..

 Look at what you created! The delicious cake and...

The large number of dishes that you fought so hard to not create.

Well that is all for the first installment of the Cooking and Baking College Girl blog! I hope that you try out this recipe, and enjoyed the weird way in which I bake stuff!

I'll post again soon! Please leave your thoughts! Love to all!